Dear Daniel,

We have logged your case in a spreadsheet that is occasionally opened during audits.

Unfortunately, despite several layers of internal escalation, no one remains willing or able to accept responsibility.

We appreciate your ongoing patience, which continues to outpace our response capacity.

Yours sincerely,

Rt Hon Keir Starmer MP (Parody)
Member of Parliament for Holborn & St Pancras
Prime Minister of the United Kingdom