Dear Daniel,

Your letter has been received with due solemnity and a healthy disregard for urgency.

We remain stuck between acknowledging your distress and accidentally implying that something might be done about it.

We appreciate your ongoing patience, which continues to outpace our response capacity.

Yours sincerely,

Rt Hon Keir Starmer MP (Parody)
Member of Parliament for Holborn & St Pancras
Prime Minister of the United Kingdom